In my Composition class this semester, we just finished writing a foreign experience piece. I wrote mine about my experience at All State Choir- which had been a goal of mine for the last few years. I really liked the context portion of the piece, so I wanted to share it.
I love music. I love that I’m able to make pretty sounds. I don’t know if other people think the music I make is good or not. They tell me they like it when I sing; but I always feel like its a biased opinion. I think people are judging the music based on me and not just the music I’m making. Specifically, I think people see the blind cane I’m holding and think, “its really quite remarkable he can do that with a disability.” This is always kind of frustrating; but in most cases, it doesn’t really bother me.
Why it is that people judging me for my disability is so much more bothersome in the case of my musical talent, I don’t know. It might be pretty universal. One music teacher I had explained that people took corrections to their singing much more personally because your voice is very much a part of you. So when someone says you’re doing something wrong; it feels like they’re saying you’re wrong. I definitely agree with that idea; but I don’t think thats the whole problem.
It’s rare that I actually feel proud of the music I just performed even though I’m always told I did a great job. This would seem like humility, except its not. I feel disappointed in my abilities frequently; either because I know I could’ve sung better or because I just can’t quite hit that F consistently without flipping into my head voice.
This probably sounds like I’m being extremely critical of myself, assuming you understood that last part, and that is completely true. I am fully aware that I’m being hard on myself for something that isn’t fully in my control. I’ve tried to be less critical of myself, but it hasn’t worked. The best I have been able to do is determine the most likely cause for this perfectionist attitude.
Singing has been one of the activities I have felt most capable in for a while. I used to enjoy singing, but it was not on the list of my favorite activities or talents. Then I got brain cancer. The tumor and ensuing surgery made my physical abilities change quite a bit. I could no longer do many things as well as I could before brain cancer. When I woke up after the surgery, I couldn’t move very well at all, I could barely speak with a throat that was incredibly dry and scratchy, and my vision was 20/1200 (thats really bad) in my better eye. Since then, I have improved greatly in all of these cases. And to be clear, I have improved dramatically. My vision is less blurry, I can move decently well- even if that’s still not very graceful, and my voice is probably better than it’s ever been.
I started taking voice lessons when I was 14, and I think that has helped the most. I sing all the time-with my brothers or by myself- and I would imagine that helped too; but I use what I learned in voice lesson whenever I sing, so I think the voice lessons have a bigger role in my vocal ability.I have gotten to a point where I think I sound pretty good most of the time and even really good occasionally. I feel like I’m good at singing. Not good at singing for someone who had cancer; just good at singing. And I’m really proud of that
That was kinda deep, so sorry if you weren’t in the right mindset or mood. I don’t like being serious and what not. I like making jokes that make other people happy; but I wanted to share this anyway.
Blind Music 